This is prob'ly the best story I have about being both.
It is entirely true.
It takes place in a humanitarian outpost in the deepest bush in South Sudan. It takes place among the worst kinda misery known to human-kind.
This is one of the harshest environments in the world. There is a bush war raging around us, we hear it and see it and feel it and try to patch it up, all day, everyday. The human results of war - tens-of-thousands of civilians - are our charges to care for - food, water, medical care. Everyone -
everyone - for hundreds of miles around is at some degree of malnutrition. We are losing children, those skeletal children you've seen in photos. We've been sent here to
stop losing children.
It rains everday - four, five inches a day. We sleep in tents, we wake up wet, we work wet, we eat wet, we go to sleep wet. Flies rule the day, mosquitoes rule the night. There are poisonous spiders, poisonous snakes, poisonous thorns on poisonous trees. It's 95 F at night, 100+ during the day.
War. Deep Bush. Starving children.
12 of our staff have been med-evac'd in the last six weeks - malaria, exhaustion, PTSD.
One morning, a nurse breaks down. Falls-down-kinda-break-down, collapsed, crying uncontrollably, incoherent. By radio, I am called back to the compound. It's one of my jobs to decide what happens next.
Outside her tent, I hear her crying, uncontrollably, incoherently crying. Outside, from another nurse, I hear the story of how she broke-down. I crawl inside the tent.
There are no special words, no special words for fixing this moment. There are only words, any soft words...and soft tones. I take the nurse's hand, and begin speaking soft words and soft tones.
The uncontrollable crying continues. Forever. Forever. And then...after Forever, it slows to sobbing. And then the sobbing slows, and there is just breathing.
And again after Forever, the nurse opens her eyes, and looks into my eyes. She wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand, smearing tears, she sniffles. I smile softly.
And she says...
"Thanks. I'm okay now. Let's go. Afterall, we're fuckin' Humanitarians."
And we both roared with laughter. And we went back to work, roaring with laughter, leaning against each other in the drizzling rain, through the bush to the feeding center, to try and stop losing children.
And we did stop losing children. At least for awhile, we did.
We didn't solve the problems of South Sudan. Still, we were Willin'.... It had to be done. And we have to be who we are.
And today, today - there are other people there, other fucking Humanitarians...doing the same damned thing. 'Cause they're willin'..., and it must be done. And they have to be who they are.
I don't want the world to be this way. I want a better world. And I'm willin'...
I been kicked by the wind
Robbed by the sleet
Had my head stove in
And I'm still on my feet
And I'm still
Willin'...